Having it all

Where I am!

2011-12-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

Wow I haven't been here in a while. I know I know you are not following me anyway, I am pretty boring and I never update what I am doing. It seemes that I don't ever get the computer and when I do I don't want to write because there are people around... so what is wrong. Nothing really, I guess I am just lazy with this, along with other things, I am so tired of being lazy. I want to have it all and I know I have to work at it.

First I got pictures posted on facebook, but I really didn't take many pictures on Christmas even though it was a nice one. I did get a camera which I wanted because my phone works, but a camera works better . I got an herb garden too. I have been wanting one of those for a while I just never told anyone until this year, and the kids got it for me. Jourdan also got me some slippers which I have to take back because they are a size too small.No problem I can do that.

This morning I got on the scale I have not been on one since October because the battery was dead, and guess what? Oh yeah I have gained almost 10 lbs. Now I have to get rid of a lot more (like 20 lbs). But I have not been exercising or working out at all, and this week especially I have been eating like a pig. So it is time to get back to taking care of myself. I am not depressed about it though which is a good thing. I just have to watch how much I eat, and move more!

I also want to get into writing more. I read if I write at least 15 mins per day, I will become better at it and I can get some writing done. well I am so lazy that I don't think I can get 15 mins of writing in. I need to get some followers on a blog and then I will have to force myself to write. But who wants to read about my life when they have their own exciting ones to live?

My finances are a mess again. I have been lazy about that one part of my life too. Actually I have just been avoiding it completely. It is to the point that I am avoiding it. I am not opening up my mail because I just don't want to know. I do know I have nothing. The payments have been made, but now I have not much to eat in the house. Jesse is going to have to take over some of the things I pay for because I cannot continue paying for just about everything . But once again I am avoiding that talk because I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Finally I am tired of my dirty falling down house. We have a nice house, But I am not taking care of it at all. The dirt is reminding me of my mothers house and I refuse to live like that, just refuse. So I have got to clean on on routine basis. I know I am not the only one who lives here, and they should help me but that never happens. Ash does keep her room picked up and vacumed, Jesse is picking up his stuff in our room, but the rest of the house is apparently my job and no help there. There seems to be so much clutter and stuff again. I have got to get rid of all this stuff. It is driving me crazy.....

So that is where I am right now.....

Working it out

2011-07-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have the first few pages written. I have introduced the protagonist, and some other characters, and it actually sounds like I know what I am doing. I have also written out the outline of the beginning and the ending, but I haven't worked out the middle of the story yet... so it is still a work in progress.

I have been walking almost every day, notice I said almost, Since I have been walking in the evenings, I wasn't able to walk for two days because I went out to dinner with two friends from school and then yesterday was our anniversary so we went out to eat with Jourdan and Ashleigh.

I got paid yesterday and am a little relieved, I am going to try to make it last this month so I do not get myself into a financial situation that I don't want to be in... I know we have two birthdays this month, and Jourdan wants to go have a party at Lasor Quest for his.... So I gotta budget for that too. And then there are school things to get clothes, supplies etc. Not only for the kids, but for me also.... I will not get overwhelmed, and I will not go under financially.

Started

2011-07-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

I walked yesterday, I had a great conversation with a friend two days ago, and am going to breakfast with other friends today, I also wrote the beginning outlines for a book this morning.

I started on the trek for my new life, I am not just going to say it and think it I am going to do it. I know it is going to take work, and it is not going to be easy, but I am going to do it. I can do this I want to do this... I am a smart beautiful sexy intelligent woman who is financially secure. I can live this new life.

I text-ed all my sisters and brother for the 4th of July and got a text back from each of them. Had a conversation text-ing with two of them, I could have with the other two, but I got the texts later than when they had sent them.

So as you can see, this is beginning to work.

2011-07-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

I had such a nice time tonight. Ashleigh had a friend come over today and this evening her mother Susan came to pick her up and she stayed for dinner. We had agreat conversation, then she stayed for dinner.. It was so relaxing and enjoyable. I was so comfortable and didn't feel like I was weird or strange or anything, I just talked. I asked for a collection of friends and one came over today. I hope to build a friendship with her. I have been having a story in my head this weekend. Right now I have a total of three stories, but have not done anything about them. I believe it is time to write them. I am afraid to start, what if I can't do it. what if it sounds weird when I write, what if I cant find the correct words,... These are the reasons I am procrastinating. But I want to be kind to myself and I want to live my life so I will be writing ... Tomorrow?

The life I want!!!

2011-07-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

Loving God, Financial Freedom, Slim for Life, A collection of good friends, A Loving family that is close to the heart A career that I love and am passionate about . This is what I want from life. This is the life I want. I can't just wish it, I have to work for it also. I was reading yesterday various Motivational quotes, and one rang for me "Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do". Goethe. So in order for me to have the life I am wanting, I must live the life I am wanting.

I must love and trust God always... I do..., I must work for my financial freedom, I must work at being slim for life, I must work at being a friend if I want to have friends, I must work at loving my family and keeping them close to my heart, and I must work at a career that I love and am passionate about. This summer I have been lazy, I am tired of being lazy. I want to get up and do.... I want to work.

Now that makes it sound like I don't have a job, but I do I am a 2nd grade teacher. So I do have my summer off. Therefore I am a stay at home mom for the summer. This summer I stayed home because my 19 year old daughtor had a baby girl. But at this point she is doing pretty well as a parent, she has her routine, and really doesn't need me as much as she did in the beginning.. so now it is time for me to work.

I have to get my financial life back in order I am going crazy not having enough money at the end of each month, and taking all my savings every month. I want finiancial freedom to be able to buy something and not feel that I cant' because I am not worth it because I really don't have the money for it. I want to have enough money so I can make a reasonable budget and get the kitchen redone, and the bathroom redone, and grass in the front yard. I want to have enough money so I can buy a summer house, that would be big enough to use every summer and allow the kids and their children to come visit and stay with us for a while every year. I want to be able to retire, when it is time to and still be able to travel, with an RV and see the United States. I want financial freedom! The work is in the control of my money, right now my money has the power over me and I am not working at controlling my money. I work hard for my money... now I must work at controlling it and having it work for me, budgeting, saving and investing... work.

I want to be slim for life, I know what it takes, and it is not hard to do, it just takes some work and time off from my lazyness. I need to move, walk, wii fit, or any of the exercise videos that I have. I dont' know why I am so unmotivated right now but I am I just can't get myself moving.... get working.

I love my family very much, but I dont' want to loose them. I want them close to me, I want them close to my heart, I want them calling me, asking me for advice, and wanting to visit ... I want them to have their own lives, but I want them involved in mine also.... I want to be able to call them and not feel like I am interferring in their life by doing so. This includes my children as well as my brother and sisters, and my mom and maybe even my inlaws. If I want that I have to work at doing that. I need to not tell myself that I can't call them that I will be bothering them I must just call them. .. do the work.

And then there is the friend thing. I am not a bad person, I am not wierd, I just have a hard time making friends, and keeping them. I don't do the work of being a friend. I am not listening enough, I have excuses for not seeing friends, I am being lazy as a friend, and I have to stop I must do the work.....

Trying to be kind.....

2011-06-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

So here I am trying to kind to myself, trying to convince myself that I am a good person, I am worth something, I am important, I am not a failure etc. and guess what happens..... Jesse yells at me about Bekah. Once again It is my fault that she is pregnant, it is my fault that she didn't graduate, it is my fault that she will have a sucky life because I am a bad parent, and apparently I lied to him to, I am a lier. But I never lied to him I told him that Roy might come over even though we were leaving. And I am a bad parent. So I have had a rough day trying to convince myself that I am a good person. I know I have to work on this, but it is so hard believing in myself and trusting myself that I am a worthwhile person. I so wanted to say and you don't lie? I truly felt like hitting him for the first time in my life, and then I felt like hurting myself because then I could really hurt, but I let the pain wash over my, I told myself that I was not ugly, I was not fat, that I was a good parent, and I take care of my children, I love my children and they love me. I have taught them the difference between right and wrong and good and bad. I have taught them about respect, dreams and belief. I am a good parent. And I am not a lier! He is the one with the secrets (Maria) his baby. I dont' tell him part truths he does that, and omits many things, so calling me a lier is like calling the kettle black!

2011-06-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

I am reading Woman Food and God, by Geneen Roth.She writes about how overeating, or anexoria and even bulima, are related to how we have to try to fix ourselves. That food is the way we hide and are afraid to face what we think we have to fix. Her thought is why don't we just let go of the fear, or just quit trying to fix ourselves and accept who we are. To just "quit". Quit dieting, quit telling myself that I am not worth whatever it is I am not worth, and just be kind to myself, Take care of myself. Stop being so afraid of being hurt, and let the feelings wash over me and through me, and just love. People will always leave, but to love them in the present is the best gift I can give myself. I can and do love, but I try to push people so I won't be so hurt when they leave, when they stop talking to me, when I am no longer important to them. I am afraid that I am not important, that I am not worth being , that I am a nobody. I have to pretend that I am important, I have to pretend that I am worthy, I have to pretend that I am somebody. I dont' want to pretend anymore, I want to be. I want to accept me, I want to be me. And I want to love. (But I am so afraid)

Buying Viagra

2009-09-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

He bought viagra, well, not the real stuff, but some artifical stuff. What does he need viagra for? is he afraid that he cant get it up, get it up for who? Not me, he is not doing this for me. Unless he has plans to try....... But what is up with his phone? everytime he leaves it out, the incoming calls are erased, as well as the outgoing calls. Otherwise he has his phone with him at all times. I don't trust him again. I don't.

getting suspicious

2009-08-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am wondering why Jesse is acting like he doesn't like me anymore? I am trying not to let this get me down, because I do not want to be hurt again. I guess if he doesn't like being in the same room with me he can leave and move to another room if he likes. I didn't do anything wrong, but he is defensive, he is depressed, and angry at me, He keeps his phone with him at all times and I believe he must constantly have it on vibrate so I can't hear it ring. The only thing he hasn't done is go into the back room or the garage and listen to his music. I am beginning to get suspicious.... I am going to have to start snooping again... I don't want to but because of the way he is acting and being, I am starting to wonder and want to snoop.

Speak favor into your future

2009-07-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

You need to pray for rain in the time of rain" I am blessed, I am prosperous, I am healthy God talk brings God on the Scene, get in agreement with God, Choose the voice of faith Instead of talking to God about how big our problem is, we should be talking to our problems about how big God is. It is not enough to think it, not enough to believe it, but you must speak it!!
Yesterday I was flipping through the channels and stopped to listen to Joel Olsteen. I have read pieces of his books, and many people have talked about him, but this was the first time I have ever listened to him. I wrote the big points of his message, the points I needed to hear. I think and I believe, but I do not speak those thoughts. I think it is time I start speaking. I am blessed, I am healthy, I have a good/great job, I have beautiful intelligent children, they will fulfill their destiny, I am married to a good man, I am sexy, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, and I am prosperous, God has a plan for my life and I will fulfill that destiny. I have always believed that when you visualize your goals, and plans, when you pray about them, when you believe that there will be a positive outcome, it will come true, but this is the first time I have heard it within the context of God and his plan for me.
Am I being selfish with my belief though? This seem to be all about me, I am only a small part of this big huge world, God want everyone to be prosperous, everyone to be healthy, everyone to be fed, clothed, sheltered, and at peace. Am I being selfish because I am not concerning myself with the world at large? This I do not know. But I will begin speaking favor into my future, and the future of my children!

I don't know, I just don't know

2009-07-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

I am so confused about my life. I believe that I love my husband, but I am no longer in love with him. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen. I understand that I am suppose to "make" things happen and take responsibility, but I am just waiting. He hurt me so badly, I have forgiven him, but I havent' forgotten. I am so afraid of him doing it again, I am afraid of hurting again. My heart got broken from 2003-2007, and I just cant' get past it. I am afraid to let myself go, and just enjoy my life. I am not enjoying being married to him. I am angry and afraid, I just cant let it go. I am angry at myself because I got myself hurt, and I dont' want that to happen again. I am scared that it will happen again, and I won't be as strong as I am right now. If he started again, I would be able to get him out of my life right now, but what if I begin to be comfortable and happy and he thinks he can start again, will I be able to get rid of him then? Sometimes it feels as if I don't care anymore. I don't support him I dont' worry about him, and many times I am not even thinking about him. I dont' feel as if I am important to him. I am just the woman he is married to, I am just the one who cooks, cleans, takes care of his kids, and works.But I am not anyone important. If I were gone, he would just find someone else to take my place. I just dont' know what to do.l I need to change. I need to change my thoughts and feelings, I need to decide if I want to be married to him. I need to decide if I want to be in love with him, or if I am just as happy being like this... just going through life, always on guard always keeping an eye out, always wondering, and checking. I don't know.... I just don't know....

Dreams

2009-06-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

Dreams can come true. They have to be worked on, they will not come true if you just dream, and don't do anything about them. I have a dream to make millions of dollars. This is the first time I am making this public. I know I joke about it with the kids, but it is going to come true. I have to think of a way to help build the money I already have, and I have to figure how to stop spending so much. I found a couple of boxes yesterday, they say Dream and Believe. It is important to dream and it is important to believe in your dreams, but they must be worked on. I can visualize the dreams I have, but somehow I need the rest of my family believe in my dreams, because it will make it easier to make them come true, especially if they are helping me. I have some money in my accounts, now I have to start buying stock, that is one way to build millions. I also need to start finding other ways to invest, real estate is one way , and investing in venture capital is another way. I dont' have enough for venture capital, or even extra money for real estate, but I can start more into the stock issue. Last summer we also invested in a multi level marketing company. But we have done nothing about building our level. It would be another way to build extra income. So those are my options as of now.... Millions, Millions , Millions....... my Dream

Ramblings

2009-06-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

What is Jesse going to do? He is so afraid, and isn't doing anything about school. I am going to have to be tough. He cannot go back to Dallas without a job, or a place to live it is not going to work, and I won't let him go. I have to tell his father, and I am like Jesse I dont' want him dissapointed. But I am going to make Jesse do something. He cannot sit here and hide all winter and fall. It will not work. Somehow we will get him back there, but he is trying to pretend that he will be there next fall, and I dont' see that happening. He has to make it happen. I know sometimes I am a chicken shit too, but sometimes a person has to take charage, and do what they have to do. I want to take charage too. I want to take charge of my life but I get afraid too. Why? Why be afraid of change? Change is good. It helps you grow and develop yourself, but it is scary. And it is also scary facing failure, because everyone is afraid of failing. But it has to be faced... Just because you fail at something, does not mean that you are a bad person, that your life should be over, you just pick yourself up and keep going. Face the failure, face the scarry change. It can be done. and He Jesse can do it. ...

Live to be 100

2009-06-12T17:42:00.001-07:00

Would I want to live to be 100? Yes, I would why? because I would like to meet my great grandchildren and maybe even some great-great grandchildren. I would like to tell them about grandpa Nielsen and coming to the United States through Ellis Island. I know they would be bored and not want to listen, but maybe one or two would. I would like to have enough money to live to be 100 because I would not want to be a burden on anyone, my friends or even my family. I would hope that I would be healthy. I have been healthy, and I hope to continue to be so. What would I want to be doing during this time of my life. I would like to paint, or photograph, or do something with the arts. I dont' believe I would want to write, because I feel like I suck at writing. I would like to belong to a book club, maybe a money club some type of organized group that would allow me keep busy with people. I need to build and develop my friendships because otherwise I will continue to expect my family to always keep me busy. I understand that I will loose people. I will be hurt, disappointed, and feel sorrow, but I think I would like to live to be 100.

Failure

2009-06-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a failure as a mother. Not because I have bad children, or children who are doing bad things, but a failure because I have failed them. Jesse is unable to get a job, he has not met academic requirements for college, and he is just wishing he could stay little forever. Bekah seems to live in her fantasy world. She is having a difficult time doing her classwork and passing classes, she also does not want to get a job, she seems lazy, I realize that has to do with her age, but I can't get her to realize that the world will not take care of her, she has to take care of herself. Jourdie has issues with his impulsivness. He cannot stop and think maybe this is wrong. He has a difficult time keeping friends, and listening to them. I worry about how he will turn out as an adult, and how he will make it through middle school. It seems that he is becoming a bully because he is so afraid that he will be bullied. He is such a sweet kind person, but he is becoming somthing different. Ashleigh seems to be so smart and intelligent, but for some reason she seems to not " get it". She seems to think that she is in charge and no one is going to tell her what to do and when to do it. She will do whatever she wants when she wants.

Ok, so no one is bad, no one is on drugs, or alcohol, no one is a sex addict, No one is stealing or robbing people. No one is hurting anyone else or themselves. I am thankful for these things. I truly have been blessed with the children I have. But I feel that I have failed them.....

2009-03-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

Wealth, what is wealth, what does it mean to be wealthy? According the "experts" I am wealthy when when I decide I am wealthy. I need to have my own definition. By world standards I am wealthy. I own my own home, I have a savings account and a retirement account. I am educated, healthy and have a good job. I am thankful for those abundances. But what is wealth? true wealth?

Writing it down

2008-12-31T07:29:00.000-08:00

The last day of the year. Everything you read about the last day of the year is talking about a time for reflections. How the new year is going to be different, the changes that you need to make, your goals and resolutions. I like those reflective times, I like the idea of starting over, making changes in your life, and building a newer better you. Right now I have been reflecting and thinking, I just haven't written anything down yet. I haven't visualized what I want this to be like, How I want it to look. My thoughts are as follows: minor weight loss, and maintaining it, getting fit, to continue to be healthy, doctor visits to get all those baseline tests done that need to be, eye doctor, dentist, and gynecologist, financial fitness, credit report, repairing my credit, savings and investing, being more involved with my children, rebuilding my relationship with my husband, continuing to stay in contact with my sisters, and mother, and developing friendships with old friends and building new ones. As I look at this list, I am afraid of some of them. I get afraid of looking at financial fitness, what if I can't do it. But ignoring my financial situation will not make it go away, I have to deal with it. I am very very scared not just afraid of rebuilding the relationship with my husband. he broke my heart two years ago, and I am too scared to fall in love with him again, because with his track record, it will happen again, so I am very weary of this rebuilding, that and it seems as if he doesn't want to work on anything but the sex issue, of course I don't talk to him about it because I am so scared. I will not let myself get hurt like that again. I worry about the doctor visits because of the money and I don't want to feel like a bad person because I haven't taken care of my self or my children. But they need to be done, especially the kids... dentist and eye doctor. Ok, so now I have written these down, I've been honest with myself about why I have to do these things this year, and it is finally time to get organized and do them.

Following through

2008-12-29T05:22:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about weight loss. Loosing weight seems to be all I want to do. I watch how much I eat, I walk when I'm in the mood. Actually I think this is about following through. I say I will do something, then I don't follow through with it. I want to be a healthy wight, I want to be more financially responsible, I want to be known more at school, but it's like I get bored and then stop following through. I start good, I work hard, then I just like get tired, and then don't follow through. I cannot be taken at my word. I have great intentions, but then I just quit. I want to know why? Maybe that should be my resolution or goal, to follow through. It's like I don't want to be counted on to be able to finish anything. And I can't be counted on, because everyone will figure out that I can't be. I do it to myself, no one else does it to me or makes me do it. It happens in all areas of my life. My health, the kids health, teaching, working with the kids, their grades, my finances, and even my marriage. I start to make a change, and then I get lazy and don't follow through, and finish. That's it I want to be able to follow through, to finish things to make commitment, and be able to do what I set out to do. Follow through, finish, make a commitment and stick to it.

Starting to write.

2008-12-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

hello again,
I am back trying to write everyday. I read Oprah magazine in October or something like that , and if you are able to write you are a writer. I don't feel like a writer. But the suggestion was to write everyday. to get comfortable and just do it every day. I don't like people seeing when I am writing, or even reading what I write because I am so insecure about it. But I want to try. I don't want to write just when I am feeling bad, because there is so much more to my life than when things are going bad. I feel as if I am just rambling, and right now I am just pissed, Ashleigh is trying to get people mad at her again. I don't know why. She is trying to pretend that nothing is bothering her, but she is doing things and saying things that are truly annoying. And the worst part is that she won't stop she keeps going untill someone gets so mad and then she cries, because someone got mad at her. It's as if she is trying to get people mad at her so she can prove to herself that they don't like her. I try to be patient, but sometimes I can't be. I just want to scream at her. I will ty not to but sometimes it is so difficult. She picks on Jourdan like she thinks she is in charge, and then she annoys Bekah until Bekah can't stand it anymore and talks ugly to her, or hits her. I can't defend her all her life, she has to defend herself and stop blaming other people for her problems, she needs to take responsibility. that is not what I wanted to write about. but That is what came out.

In Charge

2007-08-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

I am in charge of my future. There are things that will affect how I address my future, but only I am in charge of it. I can change it, I change the direction, and I can decide what it is I want. But right now I don't know what it is. I eventually want to retire,and I want to retire with enough money to retire comfortably, but then I don't know what else. I also don't know what else I want out of my career. At the present moment, I want to continue working as a reading teacher, but maybe I would like more? I don't know. I like having an influence on the studnets I work with. If I chose to go into administration, I would have less of a direct influence, because I do not want to be a principal, or V P. Becaus of that, my options are more limited. I do know that I want to make more money than I currently am. but doing what and how I don't know yet. One activity I need to consider is doing my visulizing. When I take the time to do that I begin to get a clearer picture of my future, and what I want. But right now I don't know what I want and how I want to get it.

BTGF

2007-08-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

When I am reinventing myself, Who do I want to be? According to Fiona Harrold life coach, that should be easy Brilliant Talented, Gorgeous, and Fabulous. I Have a mantra that I already say to myself, because when I am constantly repeating it, I begin to believe it. " I am a beautiful, sexy, intelligent, financially confident and secure woman. " These are the areas of myself that I want to become. I have always been pretty but I would like to be considered beautiful, inside and out. Being sexy is a state of mind according to actress ... I cant remember her name right now... I have found this to be true, I don't consider myself sexy and I wish I did. So when I Begin to repeat this to myself I find it to be true. weird huh? I finally have realized that I am intelligent, After all I finally finished my masters. But there are times when Jesse tries to make me feel as if I am stupid and dumb, so I must remind myself that I am not. And I am working on my financial situation by paying attention to where my money goes, Here is what I found out this summer though. The alarm company was taking their monthly amount of money every other week since April. I got that stopped and was reimbursed. Then this month I found a payment taken out of my account, that I didn't recognize. I got reimbursed from the bank, and they even paid back the overdraft fees as a result of that. So I am becoming these beliefs I am holding. Now it is time to build in the BTGF along with what I am already doing. This is all building my confidence in myself, now it is time for maintaince, I cannot quit, I must keep going, and don't let minor setbacks stop me from my reinvention.

Who am I

2007-08-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

Before I can begin to reinvent myself, I have to figure out who I am.
So, who am I?
I am Mom, to my children, Dear to my spouse, Ms Gonzales to my students, Nancy to my friends, Nanc to my sisters, Nancy Jean to my mother, Mrs Gonzales to everyone else. So, that is who I am. But many times I am not entirely happy with who I am. I want more, I want to be better at who I am. Being all those people is important to me, I do not want to take away from any of it, I just want more, I want to be who I am, but better.
I want to be beautiful, sexy, friendly, outgoing, knowledgable, financially secure, in shape, healthy, loving, caring, assertive, interesting, thoughtfull, understanding, creative, powerful, following my dreams and passions.
Whew, that is asking alot from me, I am some of those things already, but I feel as if I am not enough of any of them. I want to be more of all of them.
So, back to the question, who am I. I am insecure, shy, too trusting, at times with a very low self esteem, not very thoughtful, selfish, lazy, tight with my money, careless with money, by not following where it goes, messy, sloppy, afraid, easily intimidated, unsure of myself, unhappy with how I look, not following any dreams or passions at the moment.
So remember, " Everyday and every way, I am getting better and better."

update

2007-08-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't been here since June 25, what a long time. What is wrong with me, I completly missed the entire month of July. Maybe because I was so worried about Jourdie. But he seems to be ok, and will be fine. The rain finally stopped we only had 7 days in the entire month of July without rain. Now it is August, and we havent had rain well at least here at my house for all 4 days. I love the sun and playing outside swimming, and walking when it isn't too hot. Ok now for the new stuff. I gotta post this one, and start the new one where I begin to reinvent myself, build my dreams.

Thankful

2007-06-25T18:28:00.001-07:00

I feel like I am being taken for granted. I know that the kids love me, and need me, but I am feeling unappreciated. I am sure that it is just my imagination. I am just being selfish. I can't get rid of this feeling though, at least not today. Yesterday was Bekah's birthday, and Jesse acted like he didn't want to go to Golden corral with us because then he wouldn't get to go to his company picnic. I got mad at him as we were leaving, because Bekah was crying in the car. But no one said anything to him, because he is the dad, no one said anything bad about him, or even agreed with me when I was making negative comments about him and his attitude. But today, Jess can get mad at me, and talk to me like I am nothing, and am not worthy of his intelligence etc. That's probably not what happened, but that is how I feel. Ok I am fine, and the kids are fine I just have to get over this ....

New Me...

2007-06-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

New Me!!!
I don't know how to do it all. I keep trying but then I just give up. I realize that I have to work at doing everything, and that I need to let go of those things that aren't truly important, but at this point, I haven't' found what isn't important.
I want happy healthy children, I want financial security and confidence, I want to be sexy looking, I want a good healthy marriage. I want a clean beautiful house. I want a teaching career that I can be proud of. I want friends that I am comfortable talking to and spending time with. I want to be friends with my sisters, and be able to talk with them and enjoy them. I haven't' figured out how to do it all though. It seems that I work on one area, and the rest fall to the wayside. When I am having a rough patch with my marriage, I am able to loose weight, when I am able to get my money situation under control, I am not talking with my friends, When I begin to feel comfortable about life, the kids fail in their classes. I know that is how life goes, but I want to be able to do it all, and not go crazy.
So what do I do, and how do I do it. How do I keep up with life and all the things that are important? I need a new me, I need my confidence in my ability to do everything. I know that God is with me and that the worries I have are nothing compared to the worries that many people have, but I just want to do better at what I do. I don't want to be nurotic, but I would like to have it all, and be able to do it all.
June 20, 2007